Day 5

Short post today. Guests. It's backwards day. Dinner pics first and breakfast last. Went skiing too.

Day 4

Pretty tired. After 12 hours of graveyard shift I came home at 8am and walked the dog for an hour. Then I ate this:

I was really hungry. But I couldn't eat the meat at the bottom of my whole wheat bolognese. I thought I wanted it, but the texture turned out to be too meaty for 9am-ish. Slept for 2 and a half hours, then ate this:

Actually. Kind of twice. The second tuna sandy was without cheese. And also made me thirsty.

I worked while man took boy to kung fu through a blizzard. Aroud 3pm I had this:

It's a whey berry smoothie. The whey has some thickening agent in it so I wound up eating it with a spoon cuz it was too thick for a straw.

At about 7 I had this:

I had the apple and low fat cheese first. I was okay and just dealing with my paper but tall man was all "we aren't eating until 9, I can't manage."   So I threw some chick peas into that dish, mixed them with chili, sea salt and 2 big spoonfulls of korma masala goo. Then I baked them for half an hour while I discouraged any sandwiches to be consumed. The result was brilliant. They were a bit crispy on the outside and kind of popped when I bit into them. Jari ate them pretty fast. I had maybe a decilitre but failed to get a picture of them before the tall man ate them all. And he was like, "that looks weird, like freak food." Typical.

Ooh. Saturday night means that we can't eat (pizza or roll kebabs) until Survivor is on. And that happens at 9.

This came and went 8:30-9.
At 9:10 I had this:

That's my roll kebab. It was very good. The red wine was also nice but made me tired. And made my gums hurt. I cut them on my on my rye bread after I burnt them on my hot cheese. Eating is so dangerous.

I'll post a bit early tomorrow because it should be a very busy day. Tall man's brother and his wife are spending the night!!! So that their teenage son can throw a party. I have to wake the next morning at 5:30 for work. Time never slows down, despite my repeated angry demands.

Ooh. Also day 1 No Sugar No caffeine No fun went pretty well. I had a feeling of, 'meh. It's only food, ' when I noticed all the nice stuff I wouldn't eat. It was so nice to be above it and to be able to look down on sandwich man. Okay, not really. If I didn't have like 10 cups of green tea, 2 glasses of wine and about a 4 kilo sandwich, plus delirium from lack of sleep I'd be above it. If I still wasn't hungry. Which I am. I'm just working on the 'it's only food' idea. Yesterday I was working on the 'maybe I have to tell people that I can't eat that stuff because I have chrohn's.' I'm not above lying for the sake of my diet. Wine and kebab has no effect on my intestinal problems.

Day 3

Friday December 3rd

Okay, so this happened:

Those are a bunch of okay-ish tasting gummy candies on top of the cookies. It started last night. I went to get candy to decorate our gingerbread house. Tall man asked me to get chocolate cookies for him. Hearing the word cookie is already a huge trigger amongst compulsive eaters, I'm pretty sure. I already knew it was too late.
So I decided to buy chocolate truffles also. I ate maybe...10. And a cookie. They were okay.
Then I left school this morning after my group presentation. I listened to one other group  present their innovation project and found it such a waste of time, that I said I had to go to work. Which was true. Kind of. Working>listening to boring presentations.
Started working at 11:00. Kind of anxious. Graveyard shift tonight. Already had another 8 (?) chocolate truffles, 2 cookies, a portion of lasagne and a cup of tea before I started to work. Plus breakfast a few hours earlier when I got to school. It's a lot of food.
I told myself that I won't eat anymore and I'll try to sleep so that I'm ready for my nightshift. But, the computer alarm rang often, so I wasn't able to sleep.
Isaac got back from school at 1:20.
Ooh. There's lots of things I'm anxious about. Here's my list:

1. The group work that we just did sucked so bad. I hated the whole experience. It was a mandatory social service project, lacked structure, purpose and value. It was time consuming and the project manager was a total butthead. And being the only native English speaker means that I always have to do SO MUCH for group work.
2. Things are changing. I'm not so good with change. Soon my practice will be over. Then I have another one. It's far away. I'll need to drive 2 hours a day, plus work 8 hours a day unpaid, attend a few night classes, work for our own business and keep up my household duties. It feels like too much. But I'm already about a semester behind my class because of the failed exams I need to retake. Stupid math.
3. I haven't been to the gym today. Or yesterday. I need to go 7 days a week or those eating patterns happen at 10am. I just feel bad and my anxieties take over.
4. I have to do a lot of final project work with my partner who seems a bit helpless. And it's been pretty messy making contact with our research group. I should hand in at least 10 pages of well written material in a week and I have nothing.

Okay. There's good things of course, too.

1. Boy and I made this:

          2.       Man is really good. He asks how I am and when I say anxious he is very understanding and   supporting.

          3.       I really want to work with mentally handicapped children. I'm lucky to have the opportunity.

          4.       My anxiety can probably be less sweaty and jittery without sugar and caffeine.

          5.       Aside from more time and better self control I have everything. It's no wonder people be jealous:)

          6.       My current workplaces are the best.

Okay. So I have a bit of a new plan. I don't really have as much time as I want to get to the gym every day over the next 2 weeks. So I'm going to accept it and just do as much as I can. I have to walk to the dog. And I pay 70 euros a month for my gym membership, so I'll make sure I go at least twice a week until I get back into it.

I'm quitting the triggers cold turkey. Sugar and caffeine withdrawl should start soon. But maybe the ringing in my ears will go away. And some of the anxiety symptoms. And some inner thigh chunk.

This was my next meal at 4pm:

I'm planning to take a protein shake to work.

I wonder how George is doing...

Day 2

Thursday December 2nd
Second day.
Woke early. Drank 3 cups of coffee and thought about quitting my coffee addiction. Tall man has been on 1/2 a cup for 2 weeks and is going to start green tea next week. He complains about headaches and having the chills. I'm tempted to quit cold turkey, but not until the next 2 weeks have passed. A bit too busy to complain everyday about headaches.

Breakfast looked like this:

It's cottage cheese, hemp seeds and grapefruit. Eaten at 6:30

This is vegetable lasagne. I ate at noon.

This was dinner. 4:00pm. My leftover nepalese from yesterday and an apple.

At 6pm I was hungry again, working and doing homework. Ate this fast.

I haven't been to the gym today:( 8 hour shift. Followed by 3 hour shift. Followed by dog walking (5km) and gingerbread house building with the boy.

Okay. Not the cleanest design ever. AND I've promised to make two with the boy. Last year the boy and man took the dog out while I was working. I can't really remember if they were gone 1 or 2 hours, but whatever, they came back and it was GONE. I ate the whole damn thing. I wasn't prepared for how pissed they would be. We'd made it the day before or something. Honestly. They shouldn't have been SO surprised. Well, apparently I committed a crime. It's not supposed to be touched at all until Christmas Eve. And I had to promise not to touch either of the gingerbread houses this year.

I'm planning on having another cup of blueberry glöggi. So good. Again, just one. I'm kind of tired. And I have to give a stupid presentation on reliability or something tomorrow morning at 8am. And then sit through 4 more presentations. Such a long and boring school day. Then the graveyard shift at work. Yay. I'm kind of excited. I have to write a paper during the shift. I'm getting better at multi-tasking.

Not really hungry.

I'm so excited to hear about George's progress. He walked 1km. In a few weeks I'm sure he'll be able to double his distance. He's going to have all these goals and acheivements. Maybe tomorrow I'll get on a scale. Ugh. There is one at work.

Day 1

Wednesday December 1st

So far today:

This was my breakfast at around 8am. It's a bit hard to see, but it's a small bowl filled with raspberries, cottage cheese and sliced banana.

At 9:15 I was at the gym working on my fitness. I took a class called Perfect Body. It's pretty horrible. You have to jump up and down a lot for a few minutes then do a series of weight training sets. The instructor lady yells at you through a microphone to push harder, be stronger, jump higher, ect. Then you start again with the jumping, and different exercises but the same cranked woman yelling in the same mental way and the process repeats a bunch of times until an hour has passed. It's fun in the way that you love to hate it.

After the class I ran on the treadmill 5km.

Totally forgot to check my weight at the gym. Meh.

Then I came home and ate this:

It's an open faced rye sandy with mustard, sprouts, light salami and light cheese. Okay, there's no such thing as light salami and I read once that it is probably the worst food that a person could ever eat. But it's just so tasty.

Also, I drank this:

It's a banana vanilla protein drink. I try to take some sort of supplemental nutrition after I work out if I'm not having an actual meal shortly afterwards

Hyperactive kid wanted me to take pics of his report card this morning. He's pointing at his grades, which read 9, 9, 10, 10, 9, 9. (I think I'll figure out how to use his green camera- it's gotta take clearer shots than my phone.)

He also insisted I photograph his geography test.

And I may as well post a few more pics not related to my goals

 Salty little fish in the market. It's a Sunday breakfast thing.

 A different Sunday morning, with sandwich man too.

 My friends and I celebrating alcohol.

Our popcorn's always gone by the time the previews have ended.

Short-term goals:

1. Get on a scale. Tomorrow. Or before Sunday.
2. Stop grazing. 3 meals + 2-3 snacks.
3. No more eating after dinner.
4. Figure out a long-term goal. 

#3 will be the worst. Or maybe #1 will. Not eating after dinner is tough. Watching TV at night is a hobby I don't want to change. And that tall tree guy gets up for snacks all the time. It's such a habit to have a drink and snack mindlessly. Maybe it's not always mindless. Mr. Sandwich requests snack platters to be prepared occasionally. A night in with pre-recorded shows, good beer, a cheese platter, olives, bread and chocolate is a luxury I've enjoyed several times a week for years. My arteries are lined with gouda. I can already see how much my manfriend is going to enjoy eating the whole platter by himself. Ugh. He has no shame.

I had a snack before walking the dog. (75 minutes easy walking.)

A protein fiber bar. It was chocolately and good.

 I made this shephard's pie. It looks way better in the casserole dish than on my plate.

See? Looks gross on a plate. Tastes good. Red pepper and sprouts on the side.

And then there's this.

Blueberry glöggi. So good. I haven't had any yet, but I will. Only one mug. I have to get up at 5:30am and the last time I drank this I had a terrible headache the following day.

But that's today's food and exercise diary. I'm open to any kind of tips and suggestions. And I want them.